Striving for a complex mind and a simple heart

A friend gave me a Christmas card some time ago and she wrote this:

"I've always admired the fact that you're always so sure of yourself, and you know exactly what you want in life."

I'm very amused by it because most of the time I don't know what I want, and at times I wonder if I'm even going to make it. I think I give the impression that I'm very self-assured, but sometimes it's just that - impression. And sadly (or thankfully, depending on the situation) impression is often the only thing that counts.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel, and if I should be worried about the presence or absence of certain emotions. Sometimes I would love to have someone tell me that they need me, but when certain people do tell me that, I'm at a loss of what to do, like suddenly my Emotional Quotient has been downgraded to an infantile level. Scratch that, make it embryonic.

I haven't replied certain friends' emails or letters or messages for more than a month now because I'm afraid of trying or perhaps I can't even be bothered to try and I can't explain why. It's like I've built a wall around myself and I'm hoping that someone will care enough to knock it down, which of course is ridiculous because building a wall is often construed as keeping people away. I don't let myself think or feel about the past because it's the past and I'd always rather focus on the now, the same way I don't let myself feel needed.

Why do we complicate the simple and simplify the complicated?